The Day I Became Everything I Was Afraid I’d Never Be

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been the kind of person who worked hard in silence. I built things. Coded late into the night. Doubted myself. Worked some more. And doubted again.

I never really won anything that felt...big. Not the kind of thing people clap for. My projects were good, sometimes even great, but there was always this lingering silence around them, no stage, no spotlight, no trophy at the end.

It often felt like I was talking to a wall. And yet, I kept going. I kept the fire burning within me, clutching onto hope that it would all work out someday, maybe.

I never kept really high expectations from myself, because I knew I would disappoint myself like I have always been, so after I didn't perform well in JEE, I never kept high expecatations, just silently worked without expecting anything in return, only with hope, I would be a little successful down the line, because I got nothing in me. I cant do shit.

But everything changed, in just two days.

This is the story of how a single day preceded by months of preparation, years of building, and the transformative power of being truly seen changed the trajectory of my entire life.

The Evening That Started It All

Let me take you back to the evening before the American Express interviews. The shortlist was supposed to be announced, and honestly, I had already mentally prepared myself for rejection. Not because I didn’t believe I had what it took, but because believing in myself had never come easy.

Still, a part of me expected to get shortlisted.

And when the list came out at 4:40 PM, I was on it. There were 2 roles which were rolled out for all the branches of the University, only 30 students were selected for each role. And I had cleared that first hurdle.

But instead of relief, what I felt was an overwhelming wave of panic. The clock had started ticking. I had few hours to prepare for the biggest day of my life. I had no polished answers, no crisp elevator pitch, nothing rehearsed. Just a cluttered head and a resume that looked way more confident than I felt.

I texted the one person who has been my anchor lately, my girlfriend. We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for two months now, and she’s been more than just a listener. That night, she turned into my HR interviewer on a Google Meet call. She asked me questions, the kind that require you to know yourself. And as I fumbled and drafted answers on ChatGPT and validated them live in front of her, something clicked. I was still scared, but I wasn’t alone. She believed in me when I didn’t, and that changed everything.

This girl, man. She walked into my life and shifted its axis. Before her, I was this quiet guy building cool stuff with no one to notice. After her, I started seeing my own work differently. She appreciated every detail, tested Arkham Labs as my QA tester, and kept telling me how proud she was, which slowly made me feel proud too. Over time, even my ability to articulate thoughts changed.
Being in a long-distance relationship made me text more, talk more, express more and unknowingly, all that expression became my superpower during the interview.

Questions like “What does success mean to you?” or “What motivates you?” or “Why should we hire you” or “If a project you have worked so hard for gets shelved by your manager for some reason, how would you get over it and feel motivated to work again” weren’t intimidating anymore. I answered all of them impromptu, spoke from my heart, and expressed it articulately.

She had added so much confidence to me, for which I am eternally grateful and truly blessed to have her in my life.

The Sleepless Night Before

Fast forward to post-midnight after our prep call ended, I had a 1-hour cognitive test for ZS Associates to complete, which I somehow managed. And then I tried to sleep.

But sleep doesn’t come easily when your mind is racing with 500 rejection scenarios. So, I got up again and studied from 1 AM to 3 AM. I eventually dozed off at 3:30 AM with an alarm set for 5:30 AM. Two hours of shallow sleep. That’s all I got before the most important day of my life.

The Morning of Reckoning

I woke up exhausted, with dry burning eyes, and the kind of pit in the stomach that doesn’t go away with water or food. Still, I forced myself into the routine bathed, ate a light breakfast of milk and biscuits, dressed in formals, sprayed some perfume like it could hide the panic, and got in a cab.
I had so much anxiety that there was restlessness in my stomach. My mom, sensing my distress, tried to calm me down. She told me that if I didn't make it into AMEX, God had other plans, this wasn't the end of the world. She started telling me about all the referrals I could get from family friends and relatives in other companies, that this wasn't my last shot. And for a while, it helped.
All through the ride, I kept telling myself it’s okay if I don’t make it. But as soon as I stepped into the university gate, went to the seminar hall and saw other students confidently flipping through their handwritten revision notes, that calm shattered.

Seminar Hall - The Arena of Doubt

I reached the seminar hall by 7:40 AM. Everyone around me looked so sure of themselves discussing topics, revising content. I was one of the only ECE guys among CS and IT students, all the best ones from our batch. The pressure was so intense, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of people who were all better than me. My eyes were stinging, couldn’t even study or look at my phone screen to revise because my eyes were hurting so much. My stomach felt like it was tied in a knot. I kept thinking, “Why am I even here? There’s no way I’m going to make it.” they had written so much in their notebooks, they all seemed so confident.

I had so much self doubt, all the amazing, hardworking people of my university were in my group of 30 shortlisted students, so I was competing with the best of our university, the creamy layer. This increased my self doubt exponentially, I thought I stood no chance, no way I am going to make it today, this spiraled me down further.

I was feeling so low, just sitting there with diminished confidence, like a mourner at my own funeral, slouched in my chair in distress for an hour and a half.

The Group Discussion Battlefield

At 9:10 AM, the Amex team walked in. Eight senior professionals had flown down from Gurgaon. They gave a presentation about why we should work there, and then the Group Discussions began.

I was in a group of 15 students, seated in a semi-circle. The GD turned into a battlefield. People were shouting, cutting each other off. They all went off topic and started disrespecting each other. Before the session began, some students were even strategizing out loud: “Chaar-paanch baar toh bolna hai.”

I didn’t say a word in the free discussion. I just noted my points and waited. The moderator finally said each of us would get a chance to speak turn by turn. I calmly made my points. No fluff, no aggression, just clarity. After another 30 minutes of pure chaos, we were asked to conclude one by one. I spoke again, clear and articulate.

That’s it. Two times. That was all I said in a 30-minute GD. And somehow, I made it through. Only 12 out of 30 were shortlisted for Round 1 interviews.

I was one of them.

Round 1: Finding My Voice

They called my name first for the interviews.

I walked into the interview room, the nervous wreck, the imposter, the underdog and something shifted. The two interviewers were warm and friendly, and their energy relaxed me instantly. I don’t know how, but I became this smooth-talking, confident version of myself. I answered every question puzzles, guesstimates, internship work, Python, HR questions.

I gave them clarity, confidence, and character. I talked about Arkham Labs with pride, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I wasn’t pretending. That interview went beautifully. Not because I had every answer ready, but because I wasn’t afraid to be me.

The interview went for almost 30 minutes

I stepped out feeling a strange peace. The anxiety was still there, but so was a flicker of belief. I called my mom, called my girlfriend. Told them Round 1 went great.

Round 2: The Final Test

Then came Round 2. I was the first to be called again.

This time, it was the VP of the SABE team himself and another senior manager. I started with my introduction, then we talked extensively about Arkham Labs. I had so much passion and confidence in my eyes when discussing it because I knew how much effort I had poured into it. They asked about the toughest challenges I faced and how I overcame them.

After the project discussion, sir grilled me with 4 SQL questions, I had not prepared SQL really well, I got 3 right. I didn’t fake the 4th, I honestly said “Sorry sir I couldn’t recall it at the moment”.

Then came a puzzle. I hadn’t practiced any puzzles either, once sir finished telling the question of the puzzle, my mind went blank for seconds. How do I even solve this? But I gave it a thought and focused on the statement for hints and finally broke it down step by step, and solved it on the spot. That moment, figuring out the answer in real-time, felt like everything I’d been training for without knowing.

They nodded, satisfied. Asked me if I had any questions. I did ask them one. I thanked them and then I left. My interview was finished at 2:20 pm. It was very short, 15 minutes.

The Longest Wait

And then came the wait.

The wait is always the hardest. I sat there till 5 PM, unsure of which way the universe would swing. I ate a cheese patty and drank Slice. Tried talking to my girlfriend and then juniors to distract myself. Pretended to scroll on my phone. But really, I was just bargaining with God silently.

Then the AMEX team came back on stage. They started calling names. First was Khushmita. Everyone clapped, cheered for her, I was so happy for her that she made it. Then came my name — Kapil.

I didn’t even hear it clearly because Khushmita’s friends were cheering for her and the others had started clapping. I just read her lips.
I stood up, looked at the ceiling, closed my eyes, and exhaled three years of doubt in a single breath.

I had MADE it. I had actually MADE it.

From crippling self-doubt and no sleep to being selected by American Express, the company offering the highest package on campus.

It seemed impossible, but I had just done the impossible.

The congratulatory photo felt surreal. My interviewers' words

Alright then, see you in the office

carried warmth that made this corporate achievement feel deeply personal.

I’ll never forget that tone. Calm. Certain. Like I belonged there.

I clicked a photo with the team, still in shock, dying inside in the best possible way. And then I called my mom. I didn’t even say hello just,

Mummyyyy, I made it. I got the job.

She was so happy, so relieved. I cried inside. Then I called my girlfriend. And she went crazy. Laughing, shouting, celebrating more than I could. I knew this victory belonged to both of us.

Epilogue: What Success Actually Looks Like

Success isn't just about landing the dream job or clearing the interview or even building the perfect project. Success is about the transformation that happens when you stop seeing yourself as someone who got lucky and start seeing yourself as someone who belongs.

For two years, I built exceptional things while battling exceptional self-doubt. Arkham Labs was impressive, but I couldn't see my own impressiveness. The hackathon victories mattered, but I couldn't feel my own worth.

Love changed that. Being seen, appreciated, believed in that changed everything.

The American Express offer isn't just about a salary or career trajectory (though those matter immensely). It's about the moment I learned to see myself through eyes that recognize value, to speak with a voice that deserves to be heard, to walk into rooms believing I belong there.

This blog post is my love letter to every sleepless night spent coding, every moment of doubt overcome by determination, every person who believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself.

To future me: Remember this moment. Remember how impossible it felt until it became inevitable.

Sometimes the most beautiful transformations happen not when we change who we are, but when we finally see who we've always been.

If you’re reading this while doubting yourself, thinking you’re too average, too scared, or too late…

Don’t stop.

Keep building. Keep believing.

Your moment might be just a little sleepless night away.

Somehow, through the mess and madness of it all —

on a random July evening after 2 hours of sleep —

I became everything I was afraid I’d never be.